Hiei and the Toilet
by Monita
Summary: Imagine Hiei just finding out what a toilet was, and learning how to use it. Things get crazy in Kurama's house


Me: IIIIIIIIMMMMMMMM BBBBBAAAAAACCKKKKKKK!!!!!  
  
Hiei: Just Great, I'm so happy now.  
  
Me: Is that sarcasm Hiei  
  
Hiei: Hn  
  
Me: If you don't remember me, I'm Mistress, also known as Madam, and Hiei's wife.  
  
Hiei: She is not my wife.  
  
Me: Want to dance in the thong again, and this time you will dance to club music.  
  
Hiei: Hn.  
  
Me :Thank you, now where is my bitch.  
  
Kurama: Right here Mistress, and I'm not your bitch.  
  
Me: Wanna dance to club music too, and oh yeah I think you need a wax again.  
  
Kurama: What did you need Mistress?  
  
Me:Hn. Time for the Disclaimer.  
  
Kurama:Mistress doesn't own Yu Yu, and if she did the english would be translated better.  
  
Me: I do own my sick thoughts, and my twisted fantasy of making sweet hot love to Yoko Kurama.  
  
Kurama: (Transforms into Yoko) Let's go.  
  
Me: On with story. Later Days (Walks away with Yoko and a whip in my hands.)  
  
Chapter1: Kurama Wonders.  
  
Kurama's POV  
  
I just don't get him sometimes. Like today I was in the bath just relaxing, and that's when Hiei walked in and looked at me.Then he want to the sink to wash up. So as usual I decided to start the conversation.  
  
"Why are you washing up at the sink when you could just take a bath with me?" I said kinda seductively.  
  
"No. I have to go. Right now." Hiei said and ran out of the bathroom. That was strange to m, but I thought nothing of it. An hour later I got out of the tub and went to my room. Hiei was just sitting there no he was actually squirming around. I just looked, and then went about getting dress.   
  
"What are you doing?" Hiei asked  
  
"Getting dress, what else does it look like I'm doing?"  
  
"Hn." Hiei said and walked out of the room. I payed him no mind. He always has an attitude anyway.  
  
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Hiei's POV  
  
My ass is itching like crazy. Damn leaves. That's the last time I'll take a shit there. I know Kurama thinks that I'm just having you know, damn what the hell is that word. Attitude. Hn. Oh well, he'll get over it. But right now I need something for my ass, this itching is annoying. I rather have my arm cut off then to go through this. I went looking through the cabinets in the kitchen, hoping to fine that itch relief stuff, that I saw on t.v. . I figured that Kurama would have to have that stuff, sense he had everything else. Right in the midddle of looking Kurama came downstairs. Shit! If he sees me looking around in here he'll have questions for me and I don't feel like answering them. So I just sat down at the table and pretended to be mad or something, you know whatever worked.  
  
"Hiei what's wrong?" Kurama asked me. I see he thought I was mad.  
  
"Nothing, I was just waiting for akitsune to come down and make something to eat." That should get him to leave me alone.  
  
"Are you sure your feeling okay?"  
  
"Hn. I'll be okay if you stop asking me questions." Kurama stopped and went to look for something to eat. This itch though was killing me. I needed something, and fast. Then I remembered that animal planet show thing, (A.N. Since Hiei doesn't work, he watches a lot of television) where mud cools your skin and stops some itching and all that other shit they went on about. So I got up and was about to go outside but no the Kitsune had to ask another question.  
  
"Are you at me Hiei?" Kurama asked. Just great he always do that. If I don't want to talk, then I'm mad at him. Damn baka kitsune, can't he just to let me be every now and then.  
  
"No, I need to go outside." I left and went out in the backyard. I started looking some mud. Finally I found some. It was about fuckin time. I scooped up a handful and just to make sure no one was looking, I put the mud right on my ass. The cooling of it instantly felt better. I put on another handful of mud to make sure it was jus right. I felt total relief. I walked back in the house and I went straight upstairs. I washed my hands in the stink, I mean sink and then went downstairs to the kitchen.  
  
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Kurama's POV  
  
I watched Hiei outside of the window, and I saw him putting mud down his pants. I just didn't get him sometimes. I watched him come in and go upstairs. Finally I heard him come downstairs and he walked right into the kitchen. I wanted to ask him what's the deal with the mud, but i decided against it.  
  
"Dinner will be ready in a few minutes, could you please set the table?" I was surprised that Hiei did as I asked without any smart remark. I fixed our plates and when I sat down to eat I noticed that Hiei picked up his plate and was eating standing up. "Hiei you know the rule, you sit down and eat."  
  
"Not tonight. I feel like standing." That's it I needed to know why he had mud in his pants.  
  
"Why do you have mud down your pants?" Hiei turned a nice shade of red and then he finished eating like I never asked him a question. I sighed to myself and went back to eating. After I finsihed my plate I went upstairs to lay down. Hiei was really getting to me, I didn't understand why he was acting so strange. Just as I started to drift off to bed I heard a loud crash.  
  
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Hiei's POV  
  
Damn itching ass. Why won't this itching stop. This pain was really killing me. I was looking for anything that would help stop this itching. Then I noticed the corner of the end table thing. I started rubbing against it like it was a scratching post thing. It felt so good, and I wasn't paying attention, because the lamp fell off and shattered. I knew it. Kurama was going to flip out when he saw it, so I knew that there was one thing that I had to do so I wouldn't hear any mouth. I walked upstairs just as Kurama was coming out of the room. I pushed him down on the bed, and starting kissing him. Then I notied that his hands were going down my pants. So I tired to make it a game out of it so he wouldn't relaize I was hiding something.   
  
"Um, a fisty one huh." Kurama said and kept trying to undo my pants, and for the first time I realized that Kurama was kinda what was that word they said on tv twisted. I noticed that Kurama had my pants down, so I stopped kissing him and pulled back. "Oh the mean fire demon wants to play games." Kurama said and was advancing on me. I tried to fight him enough so that I wouldn't hurt him, but then he knocked me down, and started undoing my pants. Gosh he really is a hentai. I tried to stop him but he just restrained both of my hands with one of his, while kissing me, and using the other hand to undo my pants. I quit, just let him be suprised.  
  
"Ohmigod! Great Inra!, what the hell is wrong with you aHiei?" Kurama yelled. You should've seen his face it was like he seen a ghost.   
  
"Well when I went to go take a dump__"  
  
"Where at Hiei?"  
  
"Outside, I grabbed the wrong leaf and now I'm itching like crazy"  
  
"Why did you go outside to use the bathroom."  
  
"What do you mean, I always take a piss or a dump outside. "  
  
"You can't do that in the ningenkai (A.N. Someone tell me how to spell that) we have toilets here."  
  
"What is a toy let?"  
  
"It's where people go to the bathroom. Come on let me show you." Kurama walked me to the bathroom and showed me the toilet.   
  
"Hn."  
  
"Hiei what did you think this was?"  
  
"Does it matter?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I thought it was a cold ongoing spring." I notice Kurama face turn as a thought came to him.  
  
"Did you drink out of this Hiei?"  
  
"Hn. Yes, and just so you'll know this is where I get your cold water from at night." Kurama looked a little green after that.   
  
"Well let's get your bottom fixed."  
  
"Bout time." Was all I had to say to that.  
  
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Kurama's POV  
  
I did a very good job, by not laughing in Hiei's face, when he told me about the mud incident. I just couldn't believe that he never knew what a toilet was. The rash the Hiei had was rather gross, and it was infected from all the scratch that Hiei did as well. I still thought it was funny. I went downstairs to get a few ingredients that would heal the wound easily. I went back to the room and layed them on the table.  
  
"You know, it would be easier to just ask Yukina to heal you." I said with a smirk. Hiei always had a thing about letting other people know that he screwed up.  
  
"Hn. It wouldn't be right."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"She's my sister and that would be weird if she saw my ass and then it looked like this." This was just to funny for me. After mixing the different plants togethere I had a thick kinda smelly green soultion. I applied on the affected areas, and it started to heal.  
  
"All done." I said trying to hide a smirk.  
  
"This isn't funny Kitsune." Hiei said just laying there like I told him to earlier.  
  
"Yes it is. Look I just need to know why on earth or would you put mud on a rash?" There was silence. "Well?"  
  
"I saw it on t.v. and I thought it would work." The sad was part was that Hiei was serious. I checked the area again and it was completly healed, so I gave him a playful bite. "That hurts."  
  
"Sorry." And then I bite him on his left cheek.  
  
"Stop it you hentai fox! I'm warning you." Hiei said, but I didn't pay him any mind, I wanted to have a little fun to you know. I started kissing him there first then I made my up. I was now kissing his length and moving up to his stomach. I started nibbling on his nipples and caressing his left one with my hand. I stopped for a minute to look at him, I could see that he was enjoying himself.  
  
"Do you still want me to stop?"  
  
"Do you want to die?" Well that was his answer for me to finish what I've started. I started to kiss his left his nipple now, and was caressing his member with my free hand. I then kissed him, not a passionate one like he wanted, but a gentle one and then I licked him from his neck all the way down to his member, and then put the whole thing in my mouth. I could tell that he liked this because his hands were going all through my hair. I stopped for a moment to grow some vines to restrain his hands, he knows that I'm mor into me doing the work and him just laying there. I went back to sucking on him, and just when he was about to come I stopped. Hiei looked at me and I could tell he was getting mad. "Why are you stopping?"  
  
"Just wait" I said. I got up and left the room, I came back in with edible body paint.   
  
"What the hell is that?"   
  
"You'll see?" (A.N. Kurama is a freak by the way.) I started putting little cherry dots on all of Hiei senstive body parts. Hiei was objecting to this by squirming around and trying get out of my plants. I then started bitting the areas and licking the sweet cherry paint off him. Needless to say Hiei was back to enjoying himself. After hitting every senstive area I then started to go a little farther south on his body. This seemed to drive him mad, my tounge going in and out of him, my teeth nibbling just the right places. Then I finally inserted myself inside of him with on quick forceful thrust. My movements were slow at first in and out. Then it began to speed up gradually. Then with one final thrust I was finish. I didn't notice that Hiei was finishe at the exact same time as me. "Was it worth the wait?" I asked removing the plants that were his restrains.  
  
"Hn." Hiei said and rolled over to go to sleep.  
  
"Hiei, can I have a cup of water?" I asked "From the sink though" Hiei got up and went to get the water, I made sure I heard the water running though. When he gave me the cup I looked at him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Tomorrow, you will start to use the toilet."  
  
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Hiei's POV  
  
Kurama told me that everything that went in the toy let need to be flushed. he also said that I was to use toy let paper and wash my hands afterwards. He demostrated the flush thing by throwing a cotton ball in it and pulling the little silver piece down. He also told me not to use to much toy let paper, because it could get jammed. So after Kurama left for work, I did my usual routine eat sweet snow drink soda, and watch t.v., then train later. After watching that show where the stupid girl was prgreant by her husband half brother, because she thought that her baka husband was dead, I think it's called a soap oprah, I had to go to the bathroom. After using it and flushing it I relazied that I could flush anything, so I decied to give it a try. First I flushed some more of those cotton balls. That went down. Then I flushed a whole thing of toy let paper. Then I noticed the shampoo. i hated the way that stuff smelled so I squezzed all the shampoo out along with that rotten soap that Kurama tried to make me use. I flushed and it went down the toy let. This was fun now I needed more stuff. I went down into the kitchen. What to use. Just then that thing that makes that nosie went off, I think it's called a telley fone. Kurama told me how to answer that thing, but I did it mt way so people wouldn't call back.   
  
"What do you want?" I said sounding meancily.  
  
"Hiei how did I tell you to answer the phone." It was Kurama  
  
"Hn. What do you want Kurama?"   
  
"Jeez, what the hell is your problem? Anyway. I'll be home late tonight,so that means I'm just going to pick up something for dinner."  
  
"Why will you be late?"   
  
"Ms. Madison needs these papers in by six and it will take me at least another three hours to finish."  
  
"Tell her to do it."  
  
"She the presdeint of the company. I mean do you want me to get fired?" Kurama asked. I thought about for a minute, it would be kinda nice to have him home alot.  
  
"Maybe." I said. Kurama just laughed.  
  
"Hows the toilet thing working out?"   
  
"Fine." I almost forgot about my mission. "I have to go."  
  
"Go where?" Kurama asked.  
  
"The toy let."  
  
"Oh, well see you around five." Kurama said . I hung up before he could even say bye. I looked in the kitchen cabinet, and found a bag of chips, that I didn't like. I grabbed those and a pack of cookies. I went back up to the toy let and started dumping all of the stuff into it and then I flushed it. It went down. I needed to find more stuff. I went outside and brought in some of those nasty orange things that Kurama would try and feed me. He'll say 'if you don't eat it then you can't have sweet snow.' Hn. Now that was going in the toy let too. I took all of that stuff upstairs and through it in the toy let. Thats when it happened. The water shot up and everything came out of the toy let. I had to figure out how to stop it. Then it hit me if water went down that hole, then all I had to do was cover the hole up. I went in the bedroom and started pulling stuff out of the hamper. I took all of the dirty clothes and stuffed them in the toy let. The water stopped shooting out, now I had to clean it up, but that could wait. I needed to train.  
  
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Kurama's POV  
  
When I got home, the house was empty. I went upstairs to bedroom to see if Hiei was asleep, but he wasn't there. I figured he must be out training somewhere, but will be back here soon. I went back downstairs to set our plates up. I went to the sink to watch my hands and that was when I noticed the water pressure was low. That's odd. Anyway i went to set the plates when I felt a drop of water hit my head. I lloked up and saw a long crack in the kitchen ceiling. and water was coming from it. Then I noticed that the crack was still spreading. I ran upstairs and opened the bathroom door. There was so much water in there, it was like standing in a puddle. I looked at the toilet and saw all of the water coming from over there. I walked downstairs and outside the door to shut off the main water valve. Now all I had to do was wait for Hiei to come home.  
  
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Hiei's POV  
  
I went into woods to train. After about three hours of training I was ready to go home and eat. When I finally got to the house, I remembered that I had to clean the bathroom. Shit! I just hope that Kurama wasn't home. I opened the door, and walked in. Kurama was setting the table. I walked over to him and started to help. There was silence as we finished setting the table finally Kurama spoke.  
  
"How was your day?"   
  
"Hn." I couldn't just say that I fucked up the toy let. "Things were fine here."  
  
"Good. How did the whole toilet thing go?"  
  
"Fine." Why was he asking about the toy let. He must know that I fucked the damn thing up. Shit! I might as well tell him. "The toy let is broke."  
  
"How did it break?" Kurama said, while eating his food.  
  
"I think something got caught in it." Well it wasn't a complete lie.   
  
"Oh, something like what?"  
  
"Shit! How the fuck am'I suppose to know." I was tired of his questions. Kurama got up from his chair and brought a black trash bag over to me. I opened it, and I knew that I was in for it.  
  
"So let's see Hiei, you through plastic down there, and let's see what else. Oh yeah potato chips, and cotton balls,and vegetables, and oh yeah my clothes. So now we're going to try this conversation one more time. How did the toilet break?"  
  
"I broke it." I said and started to eat my food.   
  
"Why did you put all of this stuff down there?"  
  
"I was bored."   
  
"Okay then, you can be bored and sleep either on the couch or in a tree, but you are not sleeping in my room." Kurama said and went upstairs, the next thing I heard was the door closing. I ate the rest of my food and left. I believe it would've been better for me to sleep away from there anyway. I walked outside and I didn't know where I was going until I got there. I opened the window and sat in the corner of the room, and went to sleep.   
  
"Why are you in my room?" The idoit asked (A.N. Kurabaraw is known as the idoit.)  
  
"Hn."  
  
"Answer me shrimp or you can get out and sleep in the rain."  
  
"I needed my space."  
  
"What did you do to Kurama?"  
  
"What makes you think that I did something to him?"  
  
"Because your you, and to be truthful you always do something to piss Kurama off, but he usually tolrates your attitude, but I figured that since your here and not with him, that he either through your sorry short behind out, or you too had a fight and you ran a way." Damn him for using that brain of his for once.  
  
"What concern of it is yours?"  
  
"Either tell me or get out." Damn the idoit. I might as well. I don't really have shit to lose.  
  
"I broke the toy let."  
  
"The what."  
  
"Toy let, what are you dumb, I'm sorry you are dumb."  
  
"You mean toilet."  
  
"Hn."  
  
"And Kurama through you out for that?"  
  
"Well I had a choice I could've slept on the couch or in a tree."  
  
"Oh so let me see if I got this. You screwed up, and instead of apolizing and asking kurama for to forgive you, you decided to save your pride and runaway. So that Kurama can worry about you and then even more pissed that you left in the first place, even though you had options." Damn him again, the idiot had a point.  
  
"Hn." Was all I said as I left to go back to Kurama's house.  
  
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Kurama's POV  
  
Damn Hiei, always doing something. All I wanted was an I'm sorry, but no. He didn't give a damn that I would now have to pay for this thing to get fixed. I was lying in bed just wondering how I was going to handle this. I knew that Hiei left and I also knew that he may not come back for days. All he needed to do was say sorry. Oh well. I said to myself. just as I started to drift off to sleep I heard a knock at my window. I looked out and saw red eyes looking at my green ones. I then turned over and ignored him. Hiei knocked and again. Finally I knew that he wouldn't stop, so I let him in.   
  
"Took you long enough."  
  
"I said sleep on the couch as an opition to you know."  
  
"Yes and sorry."  
  
"Sorry for what?" I couldn't believe it Hiei was sorry for something.  
  
"For breaking the toy let." Hiei said this and looked at the floor. He looked rather cute. Like a boy that just caught stealing a cookie from a cookie jar.  
  
"Your forgiven." I said.  
  
"Hn." Hiei said and started climbing into bed.  
  
"Hiei you still have to sleep on the couch or in a tree until I tell you otherwise."  
  
"Shit." Was Hiei last words as he went downstairs to sleep on the couch.  
  
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Me: Hope you like, and pretty soon there will be more Hiei and Kurama adventures.  
  
Hiei: You better not.  
  
Me: I'm the author and your wife and what I say goes.  
  
Kurama: What happen? And why does my head hurt?"  
  
Me: I don't know ;)  
  
Hiei: You turned into Yoko.  
  
Kurama: Damn.  
  
Me: I had fun  
  
Hiei: Your have fun with anyone.  
  
Me: I think you and the idiot will have a one night stand,  
  
Hiei: You wouldn't. (deathglare)  
  
Me: or you can get pregant (laughs) now to all of you nice people out there please read and review.  
  
Hiei: Or else Mistress will get insane and make me do things.  
  
Kurama: or make me dance for her again.  
  
Me: Quit bitchin boys. Just deal with it. Thanxs for reading and reviewing. (looks at Kurama and Hiei) I think you too need to dance for me  
  
Kurama and Hiei: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


End file.
